Dark Souls, Darker Cavities
by EarthScraper
Summary: EarthScraper is not happy. Not happy at all. Except in the later chapters. (Contains very strong language. You have been warned.)
1. Chapter 1

Ugh, I don't like doing this kinda stuff, but some things need to be said. I don't care if you disagree or agree, I need to vent this shit out.

So, Dark Souls II, eh? Pretty good game bro/sis. Already got 300 hours on that baby. Alas, all great things have a teenie, tiny mark in them that makes it slightly disappointing.

And Dark Souls II has LOADS. I shall name a few.

Let's begin, shall we?

**#1. NG+ difficultly spike(s).**

So NG was a bit difficult for me at first. I initially thought it was the game being dickish and being unbeatable... until I realized I made a dire mistake of walking into Drangleic with Lordran knowledge in my belt.

The Smelter Demon reminded me "NO. YOU WILL PLAY LIKE A NEWB, NOT A PRO LIKE YOU THINK YOU ARE."

So I agreed with the aforementioned bastard for all eternity, and learned that yes, Dark Souls II is a great game.

Up until NG+, when things just get blown way out of proportion.

More mobs equalling more opportunities to unleash their bastard tactic of zerging (something that too many mobs like to do). In the middle of that circle jerk, you are at the mercy of 3x the base health, attack and assholiness of the mobs. If you have shit armour, you are well, and truly FUCKED.

That's not all. Bosses become more dickish and spam AOE moves regularly (see aforementioned bastard for all eternity, Smelter Ass Face and his papa, Old Iron 'I'm not Satan but I'm trying so HARD' King.) Dukes Dear Freja and her damn spiders like to buttrape your ass soon as you jump out of the fog wall with lasers, pincers, and pincer dicks that fire lasers.

But then, there's the NG+ Red Phantoms. More on them later. Those fuckers deserve their own section.

**#2. Disgusting Weapon set ups that every 'Pro' player likes to use.**

Santier's Spear.

Avelyn.

Monastery Scimitar.

Lion Mage Set.

Great Resonant Soul.

I guarantee you've met a fucker in PvP with at least ONE of these weapons (I've see a cunt with all of them at once). Now here's the thing. EVERYONE USES THEM. These weapons require no skill (bar the Monastery Scimmy, that takes SOME practice), are easy to get and spam, and everyone thinks they are the second coming of Christ himself, and so spam the fuck out of 'No Way!', the bitchest, most ghetto emote ever.

Hah, and it only gets better.

Lion mage with hexer hood or black hood is the ugliest fucking setup ever. Shitty green, mixed with something that looks like it spent the night trying to get his dick into a paper shredder.

And of course, spell time is completely erased. Great Resonant Soul/Climax combos are filthy cheap, and I don't care if they spend souls, NOTHING SHOULD GRACE THE EARTH WITH THAT POWER. Climax is the rarer, and thank you, THANK YOU, Darklurker, for making that a reality.

"GUYS, GUYS! We should get the twin-blades two-handed r1, spear range, and give it amazing power!"

"That's a great fucking idea Yui! Let's put it in a really easy place too, and make the side quest for unlocking it epic and fun!"

"Fuck no! Let's just make the player hit walls and corpses forever, much easier for them that way!"

"HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE."

And that was how the stupidest, overpowered weapon in DkS II was created.

Two Avelyns plus Havel's set. Need I say more? This game needs some serious balancing for PVP, thanks poise for being useless.

**#3. The new community.**

I part of me died when I saw the new community. Us veterans all felt it when these new, annoying, 4-Chan ridden demons filled our beloved universe with their shit. Ya know, let's follow the crowd kinda idiots. Let's all pick the same fucking set-up and claim it's unique and new.

Nothing new about double Avelyns with Havels, you stupid pricks. Go back to your shitty Cock of Dooty.

Now, there are some good newcomers, ones which I like. Unique set-ups are always refreshing to see, I duel bow every time I see one.

Lion Mage sluts can have my Vanquisher's Seal uppercut right up their colon.

But most of the new guys are so, so stupid. How many times have I seen a host run into a mob, thinking "This is like Skyrim on novice mode! Piss Easy!" only to see them get wrecked, is countless.

And I swear, if I have to clean out the damned room in Drangleic castle with all the ruin sentinels ONE MORE TIME, I'm seriously going to flip my shit out.

**#4 Enemies Tracking and Hit boxes.**

Everyone knows what tracking is. It's when you see an enemy try and hit you while moving at the same time on the spot. It's normal to have a little tracking in games. It's so it's not a breeze every time you walk through a corridor.

But oh muh jeezus, the tracking in this game is awful. And I don't mean they miss all the time, I mean they hit every fucking time.

What's that, a roll to the side? Better move so fast my dick nearly comes flopping out, say the Bastard sword wielding hollows at the start of the game.

Lost Sinner and Smelter Demon are some of the biggest bullshitters in the game. With silly arcing swings that give a massive middle fingers to Isaac Newton and his cats.

FUCK YO PHYSICS.

But nay, it's not only tracking, but their stupid hit boxes as well. Hitting you mid roll, clearly missing but still hitting you kinda thing. Royal Swordsman, Bastard Hollows, and that _god-damn Smelter Demon, _to name a few.

But no, the worst sinner out of them all, is Velstadt, Vendricks little cum-dumpster of a Royal Aegis.

THAT BASTARD IS THE MOST ANNOYING BOSS IN THE FUCKING GAME. It's like Garl Vinland and Paladin Leeroy Jenkins thought it was a great idea to have a kid.

No it wasn't.

His tracking is so fucking good, despite his massive weapon, and his hit boxes are so outrageous, I _nearly _threw my controller against the wall. The amount of times he has killed me when I was behind him is ridiculous. And why does he have a stab move!?

This filthy jew-bag was so god-damn annoying, and yet he was simultaneously hilarious. His tracking rivalled that to a SAT-NAV. One minute, he's so accurate, that poor Gough would cry in his sleep, the next he derps out and starts fighting the freaking wall.

And I don't care about his story. It's not sad, It's not heroic and inspiring, it's hilarious.

He got cock-blocked by Vendrick, cried quietly while Nashandra/Manus got boned instead, still got cock-blocked when they walked through the Shrine of Amana together and Undead Crypt, and _still _got cock-blocked with a fog wall, unable to watch Vendrick fap alone.

And then he cried quietly again.

Speaking of the Shrine of Amana...

**#4 The Shrine of Amana. **

Sweet Jesus. This place.

Every. Fucking. Thing. About this place, sucked ass. So much.

Spammy projectiles that follow you to infinity and beyond and did a crap ton of damage. And before you bitch to me saying 'Scraper, just use a shield with high magic resistance, easy!' I did, and it still sucked. Stupid fucking Archdrake fuckers with retarded stun lock capabilities, and to top all of that off, ZERG RUSH TACTICS EVERYWHERE YOU GO.

The area is so god damn long, not because it's huge, it's because you are always walking at half-speed thanks to all the water, that every play through I cringe whenever I finish the Mirror Knight and go down that dreaded lift.

This took so long to do a few hours ago, I did the dirtiest thing and whipped out two Avelyns and breezed the area. I know, I'm sorry. I have sinned. I felt very dirty afterwards.

I'm sorry. So god damn sorry.

:'(

Praise the Sun that the Demon of Song is piss easy and takes zero effort and estus.

**#5 The New Game Plus faggots.**

You should know one thing about me. I rarely get angry. Sure, I get irritated, and I've only ever been angry once where I have thrown my fists around. This bully was being a prick, so I broke his nose.

ANYway, when I encountered these pricks, I was so very close to getting angry, I nearly rage quitted the game.

These guys are the biggest pricks known to the Souls series. They come in all shapes and sizes, and appear nearly everywhere in NG+, and my god, just WHY!?

The Drake keeper war-prick in front of Drangleic castle is so godly powerful he should be a boss fight. Nearly 4k health, infinite stamina, and spams the fuck out of the halberds running R1.

The guy in Iron Keep? Could only kill him using the environment.

Two ass-holes in the Forest of Fallen Giants? Pushed them off the ledge.

But Nay, environmental kills wouldn't always save my cheap, dragon ass. So what then? I would actually have to fight them.

And I hate actually fighting them. Especially the dirty duel-wielders. Why? Here's why. They Move Cancel.

What's that, you ask, despite the obvious name.

Move Cancelling, or MC for short, is a technique normally found in fighting games. It allows the player to trick the opponent to do a counter, only to get countered instead. Soul Calibur, for example, uses MC as a legit mechanic. Characters like Nightmare, Mitsurugi and others use MC in some of their moves. It's perfectly legit and quite impressive if you master it. It keeps them on their toes, using moves like a slow heavy slam, cancelled into a fast punishing horizontal slash is a great trick to use.

_But this isn't a fucking fighting game. This is Dark Souls, dammit._

MC is impossible to perform in Dark Souls II. I only know that in Dark Souls when you could do it with WOTG cancelling. But Dark Souls II works differently. You cannot, an will not be able to MC. It's impossible, I've tried to do it so many time, and _you cannot do it._

But the fucking NPCS do it like it's their destinies calling. They will move cancel so much that they negate the ending lag of an attack, and quickly switch to another attack, therefore stun locking you into oblivion. It is VERY noticeable if you use a great shield. The rebound stun that happens when they hit your shield is non-existent_, _ant they will spam guard break like no tomorrow if they miss with the first one.

Don't believe me? Try going against the pair in Drangleic Castle, and just watch that cheeky prick with two swords spam you with dirty MC tactics. Be careful, his butt buddy with the greatbow also has MC, and will spam great arrows like nothing if he sees the oppourtunity.

No don't get me wrong, Dark Souls II is a GOOD GAME. But some things stick out so much it hurts me. I feel terrible when I see a gaping flaw in the games design.

Phew, after all that ranting, I need a drink.

Maybe I'll write a good chapter soon...

Maybe.


	2. Chapter 2

More Dark Cavities. I would like to here your thoughts aswell.

**#1. What's with all the knights?**

I've noticed in every major area in the game there are loads of knight enemies. Lore-wise, it makes sense why they are there, but WHY knights in the first place? It's like the design department couldn't think of any more demons/monsters to create for the areas, and so just stuff them all with knights. Iron Keep is one of my favourite areas in the game, and as cool as the Alonne Knights are, there are just TOO many in the area. Why couldn't there be corrupted workers that look similar to Old Iron King and Smelter Demon? Or the bull monuments could be possessed by the fire demon and run rampant around the area? Hell, a lava worm akin to those of Metroid Prime would be awesome.

Some knights are even reused. The Drake Keepers and Old Knights of Heide are EXACTLY the same, just the Drake Keepers are faster and more dickish over all. This is lazy. They could have at least created unique move sets for them instead of making them faster and have more outrageous tracking.

Too many bosses are knights as well. Dragonrider, Pursuer, Old Dragonslayer , Throne Watcher and Defender, Velstadt (fuck you), Mirror Knight. The list is huge. I wouldn't mind the odd boss, but there are too many.

Dark Souls had Ornstein and Smough and Artorias. That's it. Those where the only knight bosses in the game. Everything else was either a demon or a dragon. Some bosses being an exception. Gwyn could count, but he is a god, not a knight.

Demon's Souls had a few as well. Penetrator and Tower Knight from the top of my head.

Yet Dark Souls 2, nearly ever area has a knight enemy of some sorts. It's really lazy. It's gone from Berserk-inspired, grotesque and awesome looking bosses, to generic "I'm here because I was told to be here." fantasy. It's not nearly as dark as the first game, or Demon's Souls. DaSII should be called 'Knight Souls'. More appropriate.

I wonder why they used less demons? Was it because they were lazy, or maybe...

Hang on.

Loads of Knights.

Few Demons.

Maybe they have loads of demon designs, it's just that they are holding them back for... OH SHIT.

DEMON'S SOULS 2 CONFIRMED!

**#2 Unique Weapons aren't unique any more.**

First of all, kudos to the animation crew. They did brilliantly with the animations of the game, they look really smooth and flowing, and very few jumpy animations. Well done to you.

But then, we have an issue.

_Where _have all the unique moves gone?

In Dark Souls, LOADS of weapons had very cool (if impractical) strong attacks that looked and felt awesome when you pulled them off correctly. The Black Knight Ultra Greatsword was may favourite with that bad ass uppercut move when it was two handed. The Abyss Greatsword came a close second. It was so awesome.

But then Knight Souls came along. I found my beloved BK ultra sword again, and I eagerly pressed the RT, only to be left in confusion as to why it was doing a really boring thrust move.

"Really, that's it?" I said, confused as to why From had gotten rid of the unique moves from DaS. I

was left feeling slightly torn up. My sword was just a better looking Zweihander.

It now sits at the bottom of my Bottomless Box.

And it wasn't just that weapon either. The Drangleic Sword and Black Knight Sword are EXACTLY the same. Black Knight is just longer and cooler looking and has fire.

Boss weapons are no exception. Very few have a 'unique' move set. Unique meaning that no other weapon has those strong attacks. Moonlight Greatsword has unique 2 handed strong attacks.

I was REALLY annoyed when Ornifex lied to my face, saying "ALL these weapons are unique!"

"NAY!" I retorted. "The Pursuers and Lost Sinner Sword are the SAME, you stupid pigeon. Different stats and appearance, but the same GODDAMN WEAPON MOVES."

This was a HUGE step back for From. I understand some of the R2/RT attacks in DaS where utter dogshite, but they can always IMPROVE dammit.

God, I really wished they brought this all back too.

**#3 The Story hardly makes sense.**

I don't care what ENB and VaatiVidya say. The story is so inconsistent it annoyed me so much. Dark Souls made sense if you digged deep enough. Dark S- KNIGHT Souls leaves loads of questions, zero answers. And speculation only makes it worse.

Firstly, _what the hell is the curse?_ Sure, it seems straight forward. You're Undead, dummy. You come back when you die.

But that's the mechanic. WHERE DID IT COME FROM? I would settle with it's the Furtive Pygmy again as the penultimate antagonist, but no-one says it is, unlike the first game, it's just... there. No answer to that question.

Now what's the cure? No fucking clue. Souls aren't, other wise at end game we would be considered human... until you realise you can end the game as a beef jerky zombie. Souls just ease the pain, your still an Undead sod.

WHY must you be the next king/queen? WHY must I rule over the land as a just person? Unlike it's predecessors, Knight Souls forces you to sit on that stool. DeS and DaS, you could be good or evil. It made sense. YOU HAD A CHOICE. Knight Souls felt so fucking rushed at the end after the Guardian Dragon boss (awesome boss). Nashandra was a massive pushover, then that's it.

Done. End of Game.

Wait, what?

Now here's something that Alone in the Blight pointed out, and I noticed it almost immediately as well.

What the HELL is up with all the character heights? Lord Gwyn was a few heads taller then the player. Same with Ornstein, Artorias, Black Knights, Silver Knights. All where demi/full-blooded gods, and all had an intimidating factor about them simply because they were bigger, harder-hitting and just that, gods.

Vendrick is NOT a god. He is, or at least looks human. He is certainly not giant, he has a face. And yet he comes a few feet shy of the Giant Lord.

Why is he and Nashandra that tall (admittedly, Nashandra is a shard of Manus)? To tackle to the giant lord?

NO! We hacked his legs off with our little frame, why should he need to grow in size if he is this almighty powerful being? He's not, because he is just an average man with a crown on his brow.

I'm not sure why he's so tall. To add an intimidating factor about him? Well, kudos to your From, you over did it.

The Dragon in the dragon shrine is also a mystery. I do THINK he is Lord Aldia who ascended into another being. And I accept his size. He's a god damn dragon. But he can't be 'Ancient'. That would imply he is eons old, like Shanalotte said.

But Shanalotte was created by Dragons. There is only one dragon in Knight Souls. The others are more like Drakes, and have primitive instincts only.

Aldia was a man who turned into a dragon. This makes sense. Why?

Aldia was know to create creepy shit in that crib of his. As if all his failures, he was trying to find a perfect solution to the curse.

Shanalotte says: "I was born of dragons_, _contrived by men."

Meaning someone deliberately_ created her. _Contrived means to deliberately create. By men. But she was another failure. Aldia gave up. He then found manuscripts to the Path of the Dragon from DaS, and became a dragon like the old dragon monks.

Aldia was a man who turned into a dragon, and then he waited.

Waited for the real cure. You.

BUT HA LOL NO, YOU AREN'T THE CURE. YOUR A KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNGGGG.

But seriously, he shouldn't be ancient. He should be the 'Whipper-Snapper Dragon'

That would also explain the corpse in the Dragon Memories. He killed the actual Ancient and took up it's mantle.

So it should be 'Lord Aldia, the title stealing cunt of a Whipper-Snapper Dragon.'

Hrm, quite catchy that. Now there is other parts of the lore that is just silly and full of plot-holes, but I can't be arsed sort them out.

Thank you for spending a few minutes of your life reading this garbage.

There is are re-funds.


	3. Chapter 3

First of all, I would like to say thank you.

Thank you.

Because you guys are awesome. Seriously, this is probs the best community around on this site. No idiots, no arrogant dicks. Just sound, well educated and funny people.

I was honestly expecting some of you to rip into my ass while proclaiming "NO! THIS IS WRONG YOU FUCKING CASUL! DARK SOULS II, NOT KNIGHT SOULS, IS A GREAT GAME! GIT GUD GIT GUD GIT GUD!"

I'm really sorry for doubting you for a second there. How could I have been so silly?

I love you all.

And here, have a chapter without me cussing my ass off.

Knight Souls: Why it's GOOD! (ZOMG IMPOSSIBRU)

**#1. The Visuals.**

This game is eye candy. I LOVE IT. Every environment looks and feels gorgeous, even the gutter, which was intended to look shit, still look great. I have read a few reviews saying that the visuals look great but in places it looks blocky and outdated...

What?

It may be because I am on PC, but I have only found one model that looks weird and that's the hawk-headed statues in the Tower of Flame zone. I'm pretty sure that was intentional. Not sure if console has it worse.

It's a real shame they couldn't have the torch be of better use, but they did say that if they did the game would run like Blighttown wherever you go.

A legit reason. Eugh, anything but that place. Still, the lighting is great, really like the look of some areas with nothing but the dust being highlighted with the sun.

**#2. The armour and weapon designs**

I LOVE the new armour designs, well, some of them anyway. Alva's set, Heide's set, King's set to name a few. They all look fantastic and look as if made with loving care and tears from a unicorn.

Finally, they implemented CLOTH PHYSICS! FUCKING A PLUS, MAN. Now it's a damn shame you can't get the Ornstein set any more...

Of course, it never hurts to see returning armour sets. Elite Knight, Hunter set, even Havel's...

But hey, the Dark set is all that matters. That's right bitches. Caboose is god-damn back. And he's even better thanks to working dual-wield mechanics, and of course, the Vanquisher's Seal, punching Nashandra right in the teeth.

But I think my favourite set out of them all... is the Dragon Torso Set.

So. Damn. Sexy.

And look, I know the weapon move sets are kinda garbage in this, but you have to admit, they all look awesome in there own way.

And my god, the Greatsword looks fucking beast. A sadly unappreciated weapon in DaS, the Greatsword makes a triumphant return as one of the best starting weapons around.

In DaS, the Zweihander was 'better' since the R1/RT was 'better'. I didn't think so. It was so obvious and parry-able it was hilarious to watch would be Giant Dads get wrecked by my Iaito master skills.

The Greatsword's thrust attack poise broke a guy in Full HAVELS. No joke. It was monstrous.

Zwei is ugly in my honest opinion.

Knight Souls made Tarkus proud by making it even bigger, and leaving the Zwei behind because it sucks in the latest instalment. Honestly, the Zwei is so weak in this compared to the monster that is the Greatsword.

And that's not the only weapon that looks great. Master-don Greatsword is a true beast, Berserker Blade looks awesome. Ladle is amazing. Gyrm Great Hammer looks bad-ass with it's "Fuck yo conventional weaponry. ANVIL!"

Kudos to the art team for the designs.

**#3 Twinblades and Lances.**

This may seem trivial to you, but seeing these brought a tear to my eye.

Waves of nostalgia hit me as I swung these things around. My child-hood returned to me for a few hours. It was bliss. The years of my young life on Phantasy Star Online came back to me to say 'Hi.'

It was awesome to see From implement these. My time on PSO was spent wielding these because of the ridiculous and bad-assery of them back then. DAT DPS. Six hits in under a second and a half, dealing over thousands of damage.

If only they were better in Knight Souls... Still, very good for the poison build up.

Now the Lance. Specifically, the Grand Lance.

OH MUH JEEZUS. DAT B GUD. DAT B 2 GUD.

Everyone ignores it because it's base damage is pretty low yes... until you get a counter and doing over a thousand damage. It's beauty in a nut shell. Or a Geisteel Lance that will promptly tear you a new one. And the jumping attack is so, SO, damn powerful it can take off a huge chunk of health in most cases on most enemies, if not out right kill them.

It's AMAZING. GET IT FAGIT.

**#4 The side quests!**

Side quests in the Souls games are great. They are rewarding, fun and quite emotional, in some cases. Knight Souls is no different.

Lucatiel broke my heart.

Benhart was misguided by his fake sword. Also was quite sad.

Vengarl had the craziest near death experience ever. Became a bro.

Drummond broke his legs, then we looted his corpse.

Navlaan was great fun and super rewarding.

Roberto the Gymnastic Pig was the best.

Pig? What the hell are you on about, you ask. I'm sure the regulars know what I'm talking about, but in-case you don't, let me tell you.

In the Royal Army Camp site near Tseldora, there are two pigs. Both are as psycho as the other.

However they are part of a really fun and hilarious side quest.

In the last spider temple before Freja, there are some mushrooms on the ground.

The quest? Feed one of the pigs with those mushrooms, get a legendary weapon.

There is one problem, you can't pick up either the mushrooms or the pig...

So, you have to lure Roberto the Pig from the camp all the way to the end of the level. Best way to do this is with a red eye ring, and by clearing out the are first with a bow and some arrows.

Getting Roberto to the mushrooms was one of the most entertaining things I have ever watched. It was then I understood that pigs can, in fact, _free-run. _He jumped from roof top to roof top, hell-bent on shoving his tusks up my rectum. He smashed down doors, benches, barrels, carts. ALL FOR MY ASS.

But then, I fed him the mushrooms at the final temple with all those spiders hanging on the ceiling...

And it appeared.

YA KNOW.

IT.

_IT._

It was a glorious day. Fuck your Santier's Spear, just give me my beloved Pickaxe and a god-damn boss.

I'll show it how true men fight.

Speaking of Bosses!

**#5. Ruin Sentinels.**

This boss. Was amazing. Out of all the ganking battles, not only was this do-able, it was so fast paced and required great reflexes due to having two to three on you at once, it was such a rush.

Beating them with my Vanquisher's Seal and being on my own felt awesome. So many people have an issue with this boss, and I have no idea why. It's really easy, did it on my first try.

Maybe because you all rush in without taking notice of Yahim in the corner.

But the greatest thing about this boss, is it's theme. That chanting is spine chillingly good, I have it on repeat some times because I love it that much. Unfortunately, another fucker nicked it as well...

**#6 Executioner's Chariot**

This boss is so underrated. ITS GREAT. The theme he's got is really great, his aesthetic is really awesome too, and the arena is very unique. He reminds me of Geryon the Time-Steed from DMC3, another fun boss fight. But he reminds me more of a Zelda boss fight. While nothing too complex, it still made me smile when I do it. Rolling under the wheel blades made me feel pretty pro for a while...

...Right before the horse ran my ass over.

I bet you can't guess the next boss.

Go on, try.

Nope.

Nu-uh, no not that one.

God no.

Ready?

**#7 Smelter Demon**

UH-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!? But Scraper, you made it quite clear you _fucking hate this boss_, why is it here?

Welp, here's why. This boss reminded me that I may be good at DaS, I was still a newb at Knight Souls. It reminded me that no, dual-wielders are _not _the shit. You can't use them _and you never will Scraper._ It reminded me do what I did best.

Wield the biggest sword you can find and beat his ass with it.

And I did.

And it was amazing.

Not only is his theme song amazing (it IS the ruin sentinels one, after all), he also reminds me that this game IS a Souls game, and you will not strut through it with ease, ya Lordran Immigrant. His hit box may be outrageous at times, but to be fair, my agility was still eighty-seven, what did I really expect? Ninja flip? Hell to the no!

Yes he's a cunt.

Yes he's cheap as hell.

Yes he doesn't have his own theme song.

BUT YOU CANNOT DENY HOW BADASS HE LOOKS.

I have my highest respect for him, for he reminded me that, at heart, I will always be that guy with greatsword, kicking demon ass and saving bitches.

Then crying quietly as those aforementioned bitches have sex with that flirty rouge asshole.

You know who you are.

**#8. The Lore! (apart from the main story, which I still think is weak and confusing)**

This is a Souls game. Of COURSE it has a myriad of lore to find and discover in item descriptions, dialogue... And then grow into poorly written fan fictions. Like Origins of Artorias.

Uh, what was I saying?

The Lore is great. My favourite parts being about Alva the Wayfarer (so little, so expansive), Alken and Venn and their inhabitants, like the Mad Knight, and loads of others.

Speaking of Alken and Venn, ya know how they were made by the guy, right? It would follow suit that his family would follow him.

And the Prince of Alken and Princess and Venn had a 'forbidden' love right?

Well, I know how this sounds, but could that love be possibly same family relations? Catch my drift?

Incestuous relationships have always been seen as taboo by cultures around the world, ever since they saw what happened when you have a kid (Joffrey Baratheon is a great example, that little prick.) and Drangleic is probs no different. I know it sounds really weird. But remember, this shit happens in the real world, and Souls universe is inspired by Berserk, which is nightmare-fuel in manga form.

But hey, that's just a theory.

A GAM- wait, A SOULS THEORY, THANKS FOR READING.

Seriously, thank you for reading. I'll stop this crap now, I'll go find something better to do.


	4. Chapter 4

And now, to bring you my list of my personal FAVOURITE WEAPONS! Not very long or descriptive, just some of my opinions.

Leider inspired me once again. As always, your thoughts are welcome!

**Dagger: Royal Dick. No, Royal Dirk, my bad.**

A really under used weapon, this has one of the best reachs out of the daggers, apperance and I personally think it's got the best move set. Very nice weapon, if it takes a while to obtain.

Honorable Mentions:

Parrying Dagger – A DaS favourite of mine.

Mytha's Bent Blade – Dat posion build up :)

**Straight Sword: Sun Sword**

Because of the great scaling and classic move set, this sword is one of the best in the game. The base damage could be better. But of course, the nostalgia never hurts. PRAISE THE SUN! \[T]/

Honourable mentions:

Blue Flame: A very nice weapon, though sadly underused. I have no idea why.

**Greatswords: Master-don Greatsword**

Otherwise know as the Mastodon Greatsword, the Master-don is a monster. The Bastards bigger, meaner bro, this has easily the best rolling attack in the game. That massive sweep is so god damn powerful and has amazing tracking. The Master-don also has great strength scaling. A epic weapon, carried me through most of the game on one file.

Honourable Mentions:

Black Dragon Greatsword – What's that? No scaling? GOOD! That means more vit, end and vig, and I still have a really great weapon. No scaling also means that the fire variant with flame weapon is amazing. Comes a close second behind the Master-don in my opinion.

Moonlight Greatsword – Despite the backlash this gets from some of the community, I love seeing this weapon because it IS Fromsofts signature weapon, appearing in ALL of their games.

God I need to get Armoured Core again...

**Ultra Greatswords : The Pursuer's Sword**

Not only is the scaling great, it's appearance and weight to damage ratio, this bad boy was THE dragon-slayer for me. This is the only weapon that has ever killed the Whipper-snapper Dragon. I LOVE IT. Sure, normal greatsword is slightly stronger, but this is my dragon-slayer :) Shame the move set consists primarily of vertical slams.Not very optimal in pvp. And a real shame it doesn't come with the special curse stab attack.

Honourable Mentions:

Greatsword – can carry a new toon through nearly all the game, perhaps even beyond. A fantastic starting weapon with a slightly better AR and move set to the Pursuer's.

Smelter Sword – Nightmare cosplay. Nuff said.

**Curved Swords : Warped Sword**

Holy living fuck, it has a UNIQUE MOVE! That's right, dual wield this with another curved sword and you get a pretty nifty spinning attack. Great scaling, appearance and move set. Awesome!

Every other curved sword kinda sucked in this game.

**Katana : Chaos Blade**

I only liked this and the berserker's blade. The katanas are kinda trashy in Knight Souls unfortunately. Iaito has been replaced with Blacksteel which is crap. A sad day indeed.

Any how, the Chaos Blade is pretty good man. Nice reach, good move set, and a welcome return :)

Honourable Mentions:

Berserker's Blade – This has pretty fucking Nito base damage at a hundred and sixty, nice appearance, but a real pain in the ass to farm.

**Curved Greatswords : Curved Dragon Greatsword**

No contest, this rocks socks. A meaty ranged attack, great appearance and move set, and has a GODDAMN S IN DEXTERITY. Amazing weapon. Buffed with anything, even better. A great successor of the Dragon Greatsword and Drake Sword.

The other CGS didn't catch my attention.

**Piercing Swords : Espada Ropera **

Same move set as the rapier, just better looking and better dex scaling. Nice parrying ability in the right hand too.

Honourable Mentions:

Ricard's Rapier – I was amazed to see this return. Even better R2/RT now as well! Stinger into a Million Stabs FTW!

I'm sure Leider knows what I'm on about :3

**Axes : Dragon-Slayer Crescent Axe**

Looks awesome, nice move set and has lightning already built into it. Infuse with MOAR lightning, even better. Sunlight Blade? EVEN MOAR AWESOME.

Honourable Mentions:

Butcher's Knife – OK, this COULD be better, E in strength is nothing to scream about sure, but the mere presence of it just puts a smile on my face. Mildred, may the Lords preserve your soul :')

**Great Axes : Black Dragon Great Axe**

Pretty much the same reason as Black Dragon Greatsword. The other great axes weren't so good for me, I'm not an Axe fan in all honesty. They all have pretty crap scaling in this bar the Drake Keeper Great Axe...

But fuck those guys. They can all die in the shit storm that is Rain of Fire.

**Hammers : Mace of the Insolent**

Really nice design, utility and stats, even if the damage is all over the place.

Honourable Mentions:

Black Dragon Warpick – Same as every other black dragon weapon.

Handmaiden's Ladle – This is made of WIN. Mundane is a real laugh to swing around, beating down Mirror Knight with a spoon is the funniest I've ever done.

**Great Hammers : Pickaxe**

The Pickaxe is the manliest of the hammers. It's so BADASS. It hits like three times in one swing, poise breaks most things, and in general KICKS MAJOR ASS.

And the side quest is also a great way to kill boredom. Pigs look so awesome free-running.

Honourable Mentions

Gyrm Great Hammer – An anvil on a stick. What more do you want?

Archdrake Mace – Light as hell, does striking damage with the halberds move set. Pretty nice weapon.

**Fist : Vanquisher's Seal**

Oh Hosen, you make me laugh with pity. Caestus? Claws? MANLY!? HAHAHA!

THE VANQUISHER'S SEAL IS SO MANLY YOU FIGHT WITH YOUR GOD DAMN BARE HANDS.

THIS IS NO PUSSY ASS LEATHER STRAPS ON YOUR MANICURED PANSY HANDS, THIS IS YOUR GOD DAMN BARE KNUCKLE GIVING NASHANDRA A NEW TEETH JOB.

THIS IS NO ELONAGTED PUSSY WOLVERINE WANNABE, THESE ARE THE YOUR FISTS, AND YOU WILL USE THEM LIKE GOD TOLD YOU TO. CLIMB THE TOP OF THE DRANGLEIC CASTLE TOWER AND PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE.

AND THESE ARE SO MANLY, THEY CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED WITH EXCESSIVE USAGE OF CAPITAL LETTERS.

THERE ARE NO CONTENDERS, PUSS BAG. ONLY VANQUISHER'S SEAL. AND IT'S OUTRAGEOUS STUN-LOCK CAPABILITIES THAT MAKE SANTIER'S SPEAR CRY IN IT'S SLEEP.

GIT GUD, LION MAGE SLUT BUCKETS. GIT GUD.

**Spears : Channeller's Trident**

Dat dance. What else could you possibly want?

Honourable Mentions:

Dragon-slayer Spear – While not as amazing as it's first appearance, it is still great to see this weapon again.

Spitfire Spear – Weird as hell, But still very cool looking and has a nice RT/R2. 

**Halberds : Helix Halberd**

So underused it's sad. NO-ONE EXPECTS THE THRUST. And the thrust is so godly powerful if you get it right on the tip, it's normally a insta kill on low armoured peeps. The scaling could be better, but the over all design is sweet.

Honourable Mentions:

Santier's Spear – HA JOKES GO DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE MADE FROM LUCIFER'S PISS AND BLEEZEBUBS FIERY SHIT.

Master-don Halberd – It's a Master-don weapon, you know it's epic.

**Lance : Grand Lance**

This weapon, is god in the form of a really, really, REALLY powerful geisteel lance. Not only is the damage amazing, the jumping attack can do over 1k damage if landed correctly on a counter, and THAT'S UNBUFFED. Buff it with anything, and it will promptly rape anything with ease.

It's Genghis Khan.

It's the Hiroshima Bomb.

It's Genghis Khan riding the Hiroshima Bomb which is strapped to Godzilla who has a tiger with chainsaws for arms as a weapon, with flames everywhere bursting out of it.

IT'S AMAZING.

The other lances aren't that good. Though the basic Heide Lance looks adorable.

**Reapers : None, they all suck in this, sorry.**

**Twinblades : Dragonrider Twinblade**

While this isn't amazing per se, it does look amazing. Add lasers and it's something straight out of Phantasy Star Online. Magic auxiliary is pretty nice too.

Honourable Mentions:

Twinblade – The poison or bleed you add onto it makes it a formidable weapon. Pretty cool looking too.

**Whips – Spotted Whip**

Poison. Poison everywhere.

**Bows – Dragonrider Bow**

A pretty nice bow with pretty nice strength scaling. The stamina usage is very high, but this baby sure packs a punch.

**Greatbows – Dragon-Slayer Greatbow**

Step aside pretender Alonne Greatbow, this is the shit with it's scaling and all the rageful memories that come with it. Welcome back buddy, we missed our tears.

**Crossbows – Avelyn**

I know I know, but let's be honest everything else sucked major ass. A semi-automatic cross bow is a pretty fucking cool concept thought to be fair.

**Staves – Staff of Wisdom**

Fuck yes, a sorcery dedicated staff! As it should be! Looks awesome, strong as fuck, and uses NO DAMN HEXES. As it should be!

Thanks for reading! I know, the reasons may not be fantastic, but these are my thoughts after all.

PRAISE THE SUN \[T]/


	5. Chapter 5

**watch?v=TboX4CPGWHA**

**Hello, ma sunbros. Time for more butthurt and ultimate dissapointment.**

**#1. Soul-Memory has ruined PvP**

When Mr. Selfish first mentioned this to me, I was pretty confused by how this bothered him. Naturally, I hadn't even played the game yet. So when I got the game...

Still no strong opinion on it.

But then Caboose entered NG+6... And it all came clear to me.

See, NG+ is already a giant cluster fuck as it is. Ya know, Red Phantoms, more mobs, more, get ready for it, Artificial Difficulty (yeah, I said that, so what?).

What makes matters worse is when Soul-Memory comes into play.

Caboose is Soul Level 150. He's pretty comfortable to play, and most of all, he's fun as heck. He normally does fairly well in PvP, and he does great in PvE.

But then, at the same time, his soul-memory is about 17million (I think). And this is when it all goes down hill.

Caboose is Level 150. My average invader is now around, oh I don't know, 600.

While he can stand for a good while, Caboose struggles the most because of his low health compared to everyone else. He can only win if he manages to stun-lock with the Vanquisher's Seal.

Pretty hard to do when you are up against full havels, giants ring+2, and god knows what other shit people use.

I'm not sure how many people have seen it, but recently on our steam group, a video has been posted, and it contains the filthiest build ever conceived by man. I will put the link at the bottom of the chapter. It's... disgusting to say the least.

SM has made PvP unplayable on NG+ for me. The only way I could stand a chance is to follow the 'Meta'.

Fuck that.

**#2. The new team suck when it comes to programming.**

FromSoftware have never been pros at this, but this is getting out of hand.

I'm sure Mr. Selfish and other PC player have noticed that weapon durability is broken since that your weapon will break in approximately two seconds when you are in a close quarter fight with a few mobs. Why? Because FromSoft lied to us. AGAIN.

When FromSoft said they wanted to spend another month optimizing the pc version, I assumed they wanted to make sure the game ran properly on 60fps. All they achieved was getting the visuals of 60fps. However, the game struggles a lot on 60fps, because FromSofts programmers don't know what optimization means. The Durability bug is one of the many bugs that happen because of the 60fps clusterfuck that FromSoft have given us.

Thanks to the 60fps bug, Collision Data, Input Delay, Tracking and Hit box data are all fucked up.

Collision Data is the primary reason why your games works the way it does. Why you don't fall through a floor, why you can smack an enemy in the face, etc. etc. Collision Data on PC is completely screwed because it was never optimized for 60fps.

That is why when I dodge an attack, it still hits. Because 30 frames ago it was already shoved up my ass.

The game engine literally gets so confused that when I try to grab a ladder, I walk right through it, though this has thankfully only happened once.

Recently, I managed to cap the frame rate to 30fps, and let me tell you, it runs a hell of a lot better. When I roll, I roll on the button press, not a 1 second later when I'm already dead.

While Knight Souls on 60fps runs about 1000 times better then Dark Souls PC, it still doesn't impress me at all.

That's why the weapon durability is broken (no pun intended). The 60fps bug causes it to reduced by twice the amount. That's why Santier's Spear was so common to see on PC because it took about two minutes hitting corpses before you had the actual weapon in your hands. Thankfully FromSoft smartened up and nerfed that thing to the fucking ground.

Seriously PC players, get the game to run at 30fps, and look at how much better the game plays.

If Bloodborne ever gets released on PC (I doubt it'll happen), pray to the gods PC players that FromSoft would finally do it right.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'm not sure if all of the above was actually correct, I'm sure someone can explain better then I, maybe someone who actually understands how this all works. But to sum it all up:

- Knight Souls sucks on 60fps.

- Soul-Memory is the worst concept this game has ever put into action, and should promptly go die in a fire.

and before I forget...

**/watch?v=TboX4CPGWHA.**

**PREPARE TO CRINGE.**

**So yeah, I'm back. I'll be updating a story soon.**

**SPOLIERS: IT'S NOT OF WAYFARERS AND WITCHES.**


	6. Chapter 6

**IF YOU HAVE NOT PLAYED THE DLC, THEN PLEASE LEAVE, BECAUSE THIS IS ABOUT THE DLC, AND I DON'T TO SPOIL IT FOR YOU (It's only on the bosses, not the areas, Items blah blah blah)**

Dear god.

Dear... god.

WHY!?

WHHHHHY!?

Firstly, WHY?

Jesus fucking jetfuel rollerblading christ, the DLC is fucking BROKEN!

In what department?

THE FUCKING BOSSES OF COURSE.

They have turned Havel the fucking rock into a boss, a silver knight archer into a boss, and added a duel wielding Alva as a boss...

AND GUESS WUT!?

YOU FIGHT THEM ALL AT THE _EXACT _SAME TIME! THAT'S RIGHT, FROM SOFT ARE _ENCOURAGING _GANKING! WHY!?

But that is optional for the actual completion of the DLC...

NO IT'S ELANA THE BITCH THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO FUCKING FIGHT.

Infinite spells? Check.

Stupidly high tracking? Check.

Retarded damage in melee? Check.

INSANE DEFENCES AGANIST EVERYTHING? CHECK.

Flame Swathe (2 at the same time), pursuers, shockwave AOE, teleportation... and able to summon minions.

The minions are either skeletons, pigs (Gee ok) or... or...

Oh god it hurts...

My heart...

…

OR SHE SUMMONS VELSTADT THE ROYAL AEGIS TO BEAT YOU DOWN WITH 100K HEALTH.

Yeah, you read that right. She summons _Velstadt the Royal Aegis _so he can kill you. AGAIN.

God, why is she in the game!?

You need to do? Nerf her retarded hp and defences to the fucking ground, and _maybe _I will actually like her.

Sinh, the dragon is awesome. Kalameet 2.0 basically.

NERF THAT BITCH PLZ FROM.

OH, AND WHOEVER THOUGHT A _BLUE MURAKUMO _FOR THE SECRET ITEM WAS SUCH A GREAT IDEA DESERVES TO BE FUCKING SHOT.

In other news, a new sorcery kamehameha is available in the dlc, and the Drakeblood armour is amazing. Also the areas themselves are fairly fun, which is nice.


End file.
